There so many experts out there who talk to us about what we ought to know before, during and in between transition in relationships. They say a lot but some things are still left unsaid or just brushed over. One of such is the major issue of unspecified expectations in relationships. There are many of us, either singles in relationships or married folks, whose spouses don’t really know our expectations. It is these unspecified expectations that could be causing troubles or are the waiting time bombs in our homes.
Just for the sake of being clear, unspecified expectations are those things we wish our spouses ought to know but we have never clearly said it or written it for them! At no time have we sat down to say what we don’t like about certain issues but we simply expect our spouses to know or figure out what to do. someone once said that the least form of knowledge is assumption. Don’t assume others should know what you expect of them. You have to say it to them. Until you say it, you are being unfair to them.
When you enter any country, there are laws and regulations! The law says what is expected of you and what is not. If you follow the law, you don’t get into trouble with the police or other law enforcement agents! When you don’t you are in trouble because the law is written. When the law is not spoken or written then you can do all you like and nobody can blame you. That is what unspecified expectations are. They are like laws in your mind that are not made known to the public, not written or specified.
When you have not told people what to do or what you don’t expect from them, it is unfair to blame them for not doing what you want. A man may want his food dished in a certain way. Say it to your wife. A woman may want to be given some special treats once in a while without asking for it. Say it and let your husband put it down. If you don’t like the noise your husband makes while eating, tell him. If either of you snores and the other does not, discuss it. Does one partner have ‘natural body fragrance?’ Discuss bathing more often and using body sprays.
You will be amazed at how many couples have unspoken expectations from one another. They will never say what’s on their minds. When the other partner is around, they start thinking or soliloquising instead of discussing their reservations or expectations. Unfortunately, you may notice that when something small happens the other party flairs up or reacts more than necessary. You may be wandering what’s happening but it is not what you did at that time that was the issue. It was the unspoken expectations that got into the blood stream.
Do you know how powerful the unspoken expectations are? They are deadly! They are subtle tools for destruction of relationships. Some of the things unspecified expectations can do are:
1. You begin to blame people for what you did not let them know you wanted
2. When people ‘disappoint you’ so often because of unspecified expectations, you start looking more at their weaknesses.
3. Love will not grow in your heart.
4. The partner feels he or she is constantly failing you.
5. The confidence in the other party will dwindle.
6. Your relationship is definitely strained.
7. The relationship might be broken when you don’t even realize that the problem is not the issues you are seeing but the unspecified expectations
Dear friend, stop the damage that unspoken expectation is doing to your relationship today. Start saying what’s on your mind. Find a nice and polite way to talk to your wife or husband about any issue. If you feel too shy to say it, why not write it? Whatever it is you have to engage in order to say, just engage it. You both will be fair to each other if all or at least ninety nine percent of your expectations are clear. So, go and make it clear! Say it or write it!
Fola Daniel Adelesi
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