Ever since I was a kid I have been told the value of keeping yourself either as a man or as a woman for the person you will eventually marry. Although the story eventually tilted more to the side of the women, I later heard a lot of young women saying they were keeping themselves for their men – husbands to be. Some men also said they were keeping themselves and sure did until they were married. Several sermons have been preached in this regard and you probably have heard many more than I can make references to. Nevertheless, I found something to be very interesting.
I have been a professional master of ceremony for more than five years and I seem to get excited each time I have to compere a wedding. I come up with all sorts of jokes and rules for married people when I am at the wedding just to make it really interesting. One day, I think it was in 2010 or 2011, when I went to anchor a wedding in Ogun State, Nigeria, the chairman of the occasion who also happened to be a pastor discredited one of the things I said and reminded the audience that I was not married. I was a bit disappointed because I expected him to encourage the newlyweds in that regard.
My offence was to have told the couple to make sure that they got a kiss every morning, afternoon and evening. I took it a step further by telling them to make sure they had regular sex. In fact, what I said was that they should have sex for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was speaking out of innocence. I didn’t realize how much of a big issue sex had become amongst married people.
I eventually got married a year after that wedding. It was then I began to understand what the chairman of the occasion meant when he reacted to my statement asking the couple to have sex as often as possible. As you know, there’s honeymoon after the wedding so I guess the honey was enough to last us till …never mind! This is not about me. I then started hearing series of stories on how men were being denied sex by their wives. I guess the only reason I even heard these stories in the first place is because these people now know that I am married and they could share things with me without reservation. A pastor recently told me how he had counseled a couple who have had prolonged issues. Their assembly pastor had tried many other options but nothing worked so they were referred to this pastor. Being a very blunt pastor, he confronted the woman and asked, ‘why have you been punishing your husband with the power of sex?’
Don’t let me go into all the details you already know about how they say the makeup of the man is different from the makeup of the woman. I saw a TV soap recently and it brought back all these memories but with a question for the ladies. If you are not going to let your husband have you to himself, who then have you been keeping your body for? Why did you marry as a virgin if, as some people would say, you would only grant occasional access to the man you claim you had been keeping yourself for? As singles we thought that married people could have sex as often as they wanted! I really don’t want to say that I now know better. I can only say that it baffles me especially to see that some pastors, like the one at the wedding that discredited my statement, are not encouraging couples to do what they are supposed to to.
I have heard series of excuses from women and they continue to make these excuses regardless of what you say to some of them. While making excuses, some of them have lost their place in their husbands’ homes. A few others have been very lucky to have perfect gentle men who either suffer in silence or indulge in some other habits – like working late, watching late night movies, drinking and many more – just to pretend that all is well.
So that it does not look like this is only about sex, let me remind you how powerful sex can be or some of the miracles sex can work in your marriage. Communication is my field and everyone seems to agree that communication will make the marriage work. Unfortunately, a lot of women try to approach it from only one angle which is to talk. I bet that the man you are married to will not remember half of the things you are saying. Women want listening ears but also forget that if you are going to deny the man what he wants, there is nothing you can say that will sail through easily. Sex is a powerful communication tool in marriage. Sometimes, it does not have to be sex all the way. But if there is strong romance, it may still work like magic. Couples who share a more romantic life seem to communicate more effectively and it is my own prediction that they will have a longer marriage together.
There are two natural reactions I expect after reading this. The first will be those who will put up their defenses and the other will be those who might have a rethink and subsequently a change of heart. In all of these, I just can’t stop wondering who you were keeping your bodies for.
Fola Daniel Adelesi
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