Are there boundaries between you and your spouse? | Fola Daniel Adelesi

It’s amazing how some relationships and marriages have boundaries and some others do not have any whatsoever. This boundary simply means there are people who are married and there are things they still cannot freely do. You would wonder why anyone who is married to another will set boundaries since they’re going to be partners forever. Do you have boundaries in your own marriage or relationships and if you do, why is there one?

I might be able to understand boundaries in relationships because the people in the relationships are not sure they will eventually get married. There are people who don’t want to be too vulnerable in their relationships. They’re also afraid that if they decide to go their separate ways, their partner may divulge some sensitive information about them either out of sheer carelessness or just being vindictive.

Some relationships don’t end well so it makes sense when people set boundaries with information sharing about themselves. If you’re in a relationship and you’re being careful about a possible breakup or what your partner might do with your sensitive information or any other thing, you can go about it in such a way that you’re not giving your spouse the impression that he or she is not trusted.

As for marriage, it totally beats my imagination when people set boundaries and why they do. I can imagine that when people do, they have reasons to do so but what can be so serious as to tell your wife or husband not to touch your phones, take your calls or check your messages? How can you even live comfortably with someone whose phone you cannot access?

There are people who will never let their partners know anything about their finances and the assets they’re acquiring. This same information is shared freely with some family members but not their wives. Why is that? Do you trust that person? I guess some people will say they don’t trust that person. Well if you don’t, remember that you sleep in the same house and most likely bed with this person every day. This person probably cooks your food daily so if you don’t trust them, why are you this close to them knowing they could have killed you at that proximity to you?

There are couples whose boundaries are about sleeping in separate rooms! For some couples, their boundary is about not eating from the same plate. Some couples will never wear each other’s clothes. Some will never share the same bathroom or use the same toothpaste. Others will never keep a joint account but they’re fine with however either party decides to spend money.

Some of the set boundaries make sense and they keep the relationships going but others just do not make sense. When you’re in a relationship, especially marriage, you do not set boundaries that only reflect your selfishness or the fact that you do not trust your partner. If there will be boundaries, they should be because you really want to help each other become better and bond better. Having said that, there are examples of positive boundaries you can set or agree on:

1.     Spending limit

2.     Drinking, if one partner has a drinking habit

3.     Giving, if one partner has the potential to give almost everything out

4.     What information you are both permitted to divulge about each other to other people

5.     The kind of company you keep for the good of the family or marriage

6.     Pleasure activities in order to hit future goals

Now you see that setting boundaries is not really the problem. The issue is what boundaries are you setting and why are you setting them? Are you putting boundaries in place to limit your partner or to grow your partner? Are the boundaries in place to help you both get better or to show the other person that you are better?

Once you start introducing boundaries, and there are boundaries in every relationship either written or not, you have to ensure the purpose of the boundary is to help you bond, become better, and hit your life goals. Set positive boundaries and keep increasing them so long as they make you better!


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