Causes of identity crisis – Fola Daniel Adelesi

Identity crisis as a problem is a process that everyone who is experiencing it must have gone through or is still going through. I call it a process because most of the words associated with identity crisis reveal that they are not things that can come on you just in one night. They are things that happen gradually. You can’t wake one morning and start feeling intimidated by the people around you if nothing had been absent in you to allow for that intimidation. You don’t just see people and envy them right away. Envy is a feeling and a form of emotion that develops usually as a result of another process seen in other people. it is very obvious that most of the people experiencing identity crisis have something missing in them and some of those missing things are:
Improper Upbringing
The way a child is brought up will determine, to a great extent, the way that child will live his adulthood. Many adults today cannot express love to their children because nobody expressed love to them while growing up. The funny thing is that many people don’t even know what it is to be truly loved so it is not a usual for such people to express love to other people.
When children are not brought up in love filled atmosphere they will always have a yearning for that love and the truth is that they will always look for it anywhere they can get it. One of the primary responsibilities of parents in the present day society is to make sure that their children experience love. So many people want to act love by giving to their children and just making sure they get good education. That is a very good thing but young people grow faster with the seeds of the right words sown into their lives.
In any gathering of children or other young people you will always be able to tell the difference in the homes they all are coming from and it begins with how they relate with one another. One child or youth feels so confident and relates easily with other people and the other one feels so timid and does not want to relate with other people even when this child does not have any physical disability that may bring shame. In some homes there is no freedom because the parents do not want the children to get into trouble but unfortunately they get into worse trouble by not having freedom because they lose personal identity. As much as you do not want your young ones to get into physical trouble in the community, I absolutely think it is more important not to let them get into the psychological trouble of losing their personal identity because that has a long term effect which may come to bear on their success in life.
One of the ways you can help your young ones to grow better is to make sure you and your spouse have a cordial relationship. If for any reason you need to argue it is important to avoid doing it in the presence of your children because there are things that will remain with them from the sight of dad and mum exchanging bitter words or hurling insults at each other. When you also have a peaceful relationship they will always look forward to living a meaning life and respecting other people.
It is as a result of violence against women that some women think their main role in the home is just to keep the kitchen busy and keep the dinning table filled so that the man of the house can be filled. For this reason some women have been relegated in their minds to the position of slaves in their homes. They feel the work of the woman is to stay awake to satisfy the woman. These are all perception creating scenerios and we need to deliberately concentrate on the things we do because the young ones are watching.
Lack of affirmation
There are words that you must say to your children or young ones around you and when they do not hear such words they gradually begin to withdraw into their shells and ultimately into identity crisis.
Never assume a child or any other person knows that he or she is loved. You need to affirm the love. You and I know that your spouse knows he or she is loved but still wants to hear it regularly and when it does not come it looks as if there is a problem somewhere. People get into identity crisis when they do not hear words confirming the fact that they are loved. They do not want to think for the person who is supposed to express love and they do not want to assume they are loved.
One of the things that I have noticed is that many parents find it easy to scold young people or their children than to encourage them. Over and over again I have been in a situation where I get scolded for doing some seemingly insignificant things but when I do things that make me deserve a pat on my back nobody gives the pat. Everybody stands at a distance and watch until that moment of glory gradually folds away. When a child does not receive encouragement for doing something well, it is most likely that child will not want to continue. When a child gets scolded every time for doing something wrong the child begins to focus on the next chance of making a mistake rather than the next opportunity to do something great and be a better person.
Affirm your love to people around you to help some of them get out of identity crisis. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I have not said that people should not be scolded but it should be done wisely. It should not be done in such a way that the people now totally lose confidence in themselves and always look for whom to imitate since nobody believes in them. Too many people hear more abusive words than encouraging words. That is why they have lost confidence in what they thought was their strength. If people can begin to hear more encouraging words than abusive words there will be a big difference in their lives over a period of time.
Demoralizing experiences
When people start out on something new they often start out with a dose of seemingly inexhaustible energy but when things start turning in a direction opposite where they thing it should be headed, they get discouraged. This simply means that futile attempts at what one is doing can be demoralizing enough to push people off the right track. There are people started out on the right track but opted out when things where not working and they were beginning to get into trouble by trying to do what others are doing well instead of focusing on what they can do well.
For some others the demoralizing experience can be a public disgrace at one time or the other. Take for instance someone who is born with the natural ability to speak. If while starting a career as a public speaker he fails to carry the audience along and the audience begins to clap not as a sign of honour for what was said but as a way to say, “stop wasting our time and get out,” that kind of man may not think twice about public speaking again. He may now prefer to stay in the audience and listen instead of going to speak for fear of being disgraced a second time.
The same can happen to a singer who gets to the middle of a song on stage and mistakenly goes flat! Even if that person knows music is thee only way out for him or her, the experience for some people will be too grave to let them go back to the stage for any performance. Now it is glaring that the discovery of a man’s talents or gifting can lead to another trouble depending on who is in charge.
Don’t let your past failures frustrate you away from what you are doing if you know that is the right thing to do. Keep doing what you are good at, focus on it and take your eyes away from the previous setbacks you have had. Make victory your focus and get up each time you fall. There will be demoralizing circumstances but don’t ever stay demoralized.


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